Thursday 17 November 2011

Pass Me The Cheesegrater, It's Nearly Time To Get Ready..........

A little while ago, back in April to be precise, I did a bit of a silly thing. Now when I say 'a bit of a silly thing', I mean a bloody stupidly ridiculous thing. We're talking about something that is gonna bite me so hard on the arse come April 15th 2012, I'm gonna be lucky to have any arse left.

And considering I am made up almost entirely of arse, that's a meal that has the potential to feed a stadium full of arse hungry punters. (Apologies for the gratuitous use of the word 'Arse'. I would say I won't use it again, but we both know that's pretty unlikely).

Let me put this 'silly thing' in perspective. Deciding to row across the English Channel in a brown paper bag, with nothing but a lolly stick for an oar would be considered perfectly feasible. Attempting to reach outer space on a rocket powered by nothing but ant farts would be a distinct possibility. England winning the next football world cup.......yeah OK, too much to expect I know. But you are beginning to appreciate the size of my dumb arse decision.


I have decided to run a marathon.


A BLOODY MARATHON!!!!!


26.2 SODDING MILES!!!!!

Oh, it seemed like SUCH a marvelous idea at the time. Well Kinda. I let THIS GUY talk me into it. Go on. Go read his stuff. You'll really get an idea of the type of guy we're talking about here. Anyone who writes that kinda crap has gotta be AT LEAST 3 sandwiches short of a picnic. However, anyone who listens to his suggestion of "Let's both run a marathon next year, it'll be a laugh" has got some issues that will have any shrink canceling the rest of his appointments until retirement.

What the bloody hell was I thinking? I actually watched the same race this year. It was hot. It was hilly. It hurt just watching! Yet I got home, searched the interweb....do dah, found the website, and went and bloody entered it.


I EVEN PAID FOR THE BLOODY PRIVILEGE!!!!!

Now I knew the day would come when I would begin to realise the error of my own stupidity. And to be honest, it didn't take long for the little voice in my head to start. Quietly at first. But it's gradually got louder:-


You idiot!

You're going to regret this!!

There is no way you'll EVER do this!!!

Of all the dumb arse things you've done!!!!


I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME, SMOTHER MYSELF IN HONEY, AND LET SOME GOATS LICK ME CLEAN!!!!!

No, I don't know where that last one came from either. But when you've got as many voices in your head as I have, you tend to only listen to the loudest one. Of course, experience has told me NEVER to act on what the voices in my head say. Besides, I'm allergic to goats. And last time Mrs B found pubic hair in the honey, it took rather a lot of explaining. 

So, in order to prepare this sack of crap for the forthcoming event, I have started to look up some training schedules. Now I'm not a complete novice at running. I'm not particularly good at it either. A one legged, arthritic grasshopper, off it's face on anesthetic and carrying a sumo wrestler on it's back could outrun me. But I have run a few races, including one half marathon, the furthest I have ever run. 

It is widely recognised in the running fraternity that Sunday is long slow run day. At the height of training, these can be up to 20 miles. 20 miles? In 1 day? They're having a laugh, surely! On top of this, we're looking at another couple of runs at 8-10 miles each, some interval work, where I run as fast as you can for half a mile stop, cough up a lung and repeat until I puke. And then there are the short hard runs, where I run for 5 miles, stop, cough up a lung and puke.

On the upside, I get Tuesdays off. Just enough time to clean the puke from my running shoes I expect.

Now subconsciously, I have been keeping a bit quiet about this. I have done this to give me an 'out'. After all, if nobody knows I have entered, nobody will know if I change my mind. I can quietly back out, not lose any face, and nobody need be any the wiser.

This however, is where having a split personality can best be described as a bit of a bummer. Because while the yellow bellied, southern softy, cowardly cowardly custard chicken sh!t sensible side of me is quietly preparing to bow out graciously, the complete git that is my insane, self hating, 'grow a pair' side turns round and says "Oh no you don't. I'm telling the whole freaking world you're doing this. By the time I'm finished, there will be yet to be discovered creatures at the bottom of the ocean that are gonna know about this! 


It goes without saying that it is this side of me who's work you're reading now. 

There is a good chance that at some point in the future, as a result of me going public, I am going to want to kick myself very hard in  very private and sensitive place. And we're not talking about Area 51 either. There are 2 problems with this:-


1) I'd have to join the back of a very long queue of people who are keen to do the same to me.


2) Despite the fact that I have very wide feet, I'd probably miss them both.



Yep, beer and crap food are going to have to be given up whilst I do this. The very thought makes me go cold. You see, I am a miserable git. A joyless (are)sole. There are few things in the world that put a smile on my face. Now if I don't say the first one is Mrs B at this point, then I ain't gonna need to worry about kicking myself in the place that used to be where my testicles nestled. But apart from the much beloved, a good ale and junk food are just about the only things in life that have the corners of my mouth heading North for a while. And if I'm to stand any chance at all of doing this, I'm gonna need to run this thing with a lot less of me.

So, over the next few weeks, the training will kick off in earnest. My body will be subject to such great joys as blisters, hard skin, chaffing and joggers nipple. And if you haven't experienced joggers nipple, try rubbing them with the rough bit of a cheese grater, hold a blow torch to them for 2 minutes and slamming them repeatedly in a door, and you'll get close to the type of pain I'm talking about.

I am going to be such a joy to be with! 









   

  

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