These are the words on a leaflet that greeted your bleary eyed blogger this morning as I grabbed the post from the floor. It was in under the letter from my bank informing me that I went overdrawn last month, and they wanted £65.00 for the privilege. £65.00!!!!!!
The robbing gits!
I know the banks are in need of a bailout at the moment, poor sods, but I wasn't aware of the fact that I was gonna be the only one bailing them out! Well, that wipes out the slight tax reduction I got from my new tax code in the same postal delivery.
Ahh well, easy come, easy go.
But I was intrigued by the leaflet. Would I like to increase my self-confidence? Those that knew me in the past would probably agree that, back then I needed
However, you can't have too much of a good thing, so I thought "Why not".
On opening the leaflet, I was slightly perturbed by the 200 questions they ask you to complete before you send the whole thing off. It's multiple choice. The answers are Yes, No or Maybe. The trouble is, I spotted a fatal flaw in their system.
Surely, if you answer yes or no, whatever the question, you don't need more self confidence! You are giving a confident, positive answer. Only 'maybe' answers suggest you possibly need
There's already enough fuel from my past evil deeds to have me roasting on the open fires of hell for many a year. Naming and shaming one particular religious organization, and they're gonna need to get a rotisserie and spit roast me on gas mark 4 million for eternity!
Anyway, back to the questions. I decided that just answering, yes, no or maybe wasn't enough. So, I started to put proper, full written answers down. So they could REALLY get to know me. Now, some of these questions beggar belief. What they hope to learn from some of them is anyone's guess.
Here are a random selection of the questions and my answers:-
Q - Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries just for pleasure?
A - WHAT? Of course not! I browse through, Mayfair, Razzle and Leather Clad Babes Monthly to get my kicks. Weirdo.
Q - Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?
A - I was once lent a car to go pick someone up from the airport, and I wrapped it around a lamp post. I don't THINK they predicted it, so I guess the answer is yes.
Q - Do you speak slowly?
A - Only to the very old, or the very young. And foreigners that don't speak English.
Q - Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?
A - I would consider myself dead if they didn't!
Q - Do your past failures worry you?
A - Not at all. I'm pleased as punch that I've failed to pick the winning lottery numbers every week for the last 8 years, and live on a hole in the ground with no money, rather than a million pound mansion and more money than Saudi Arabia.
Q - Is it normally hard for you to own up and take the blame?
A - I never have that problem. If Mrs B asks what the smell is, I blame the dog!
Q - Could you agree to `strict discipline'?
A - At one time, I would have said no, but since an encounter with Miss Whiplash, a leather clad brunette with high heels and a tazar gun, I've kinda come around to the idea.
Q - Do you find it easy to express your emotions?
A - I find it difficult NOT too when next doors dog craps on my lawn! Or spurs lose at home to Arsenal.
Q - Do you 'circulate around' at social gatherings?
A - Like a flippin' humming bird until the beer kicks in. Then I fall asleep.
Q - Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents?
A - Yep! I believe they call it celibacy. You'll probably approve of that one!
Q - Do you tend to be careless?
A - So, the plastic cutlery and the fact there are no sharp objects in the house ARE a giveaway huh?
Q - Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing?
A - Only ones that involve tissues.
Q - Are you easily pleased?
A - If by 'easily pleased' you mean in less than 10 seconds, then yes.
Q - Do you get over enthusiastic about 'some simple little thing'?
A - See previous answer.
Q - Do you ever get disturbed by the noise of the wind, or a 'house settling down'?
A - Well, I was once trapped in a car when a bloke farted, and the windows didn't work, and what you call 'house settling down', we call 'subsidence' around here, so yes.
They then ask 2 open answer questions:-
Q - How can you increase your minds potential?
A - This is probably not the answer you want, but I'm gonna say beer.
Q - What is the cause of irrational behaviour?
A - Normally in my case, the kids.
Now all I need to do, is mail it in, and they will call me and set up an appointment for my confidential test analysis.
Actually, it's not very far away. I'll take it in person. They can analyze me there and then.
How much more self-confidence do I need to show them than that?
P.T.F.O.
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