Sooooo, the big day is finally here. As I write this, 2 people I know are washing, scrubbing, making up, and generally preening themselves to within an inch of their lives. And I am sure that they will both look absolutely stunning when they present themselves to the world later on today.
However, also about now, one part of them, a part that is all too often ignored, will be playing a key role in today's events. And on big occasions, it takes great pleasure in letting you know that when all is said and done, it really does have the upper hand.
There is no real delicate way to put this, so I appologise if any of you are eating. Or thinking about eating. Or have eaten in the last 24 hours.
It is, of course the good old sphincter. The brown button. The 'Exit Only'. (Subject to status).
Ok then, the ARS****E!!!!!! (Censored by the much beloved Mrs B, bless her!). But seeing as by now, the alarm bells are probably ringing and you're thinking "Where's he going with this" (Heck, do ya honestly think I know?) We'll call it 'The Voldemort'. Why? 'Cos I don't know any one by the name of Voldemort.
I do, however, know plenty of 'Voldemorts'.
You see, whilst on these big occasions, everyone will be looking at the dress, the make up, the hair, the nails (enough about the groom already!) the old 'Voldemort' will be twitching away like an epileptic caterpillar.
Last nights' pizza, and indeed this mornings' corned flakes (No adverts here!) will be the non stop express service to the white porcelain bowl. And there will barely be time to take a seat, never mind get a ticket!
Honestly, on my big day, I didn't have the trots. Oh no. I had the full blown 'Get out of the bloody way, or things are gonna get pretty messy around here' gallops.
It was at this point that I realised how appropriate walking into the registry office to Johnny Cash's Ring Of Fire truly was.
By the time I'd got to the registry office, a good stone lighter than when I first got up that day, my stomach was more empty than my wallet the day after payday.
Apart from the gas.
I had therms of the stuff! They could have connected me up to the mains, and I would have solved the energy shortage crisis for weeks!
I know when we got married, it was the hottest day of the year, but I don't think the fans were there just for cooling. Of course, I did the manly thing. And blamed Mrs B.
Anyway, I started this intending to talk about the happy couple. And somehow, managed to turn into being all about me. I did say earlier that I didn't know where this was going!
So. To C and C. I know you guys will have a wonderful day. I wish you all the best for the future. May your lives together be filled with as much happiness and fulfillment as Mrs B's and mine. You'll make a great couple together. And yes. You will also be a Mrs B too. Without the 'long suffering' bit. Just think how bad it could have been!
And even though it's February, you'll now understand why I will be wafting a fan around in the church.
And trying to open all the stained glass windows.
Enjoy your day.
P.T.F.O.
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